If I have Offended You This Year

Wherein I atone—sort of.

Good Afternoon:

A saying between Jews in the run-up to Yom Kippur goes along the following lines: “If I have offended you in any way this year, I ask your forgiveness.”

I have always had a certain amount of trouble with it.

Some people, after all, take offense too easily. Some people deserve to be offended. Some people are offended at the aspects of me for which I am least apt to apologize. Are there really no conditions attached to my request for forgiveness? Really?

On the other hand, I don’t want to take the position that I never do anything worthy of apology. So how, in the waning hours before the Day of Atonement begins, to separate the atonement wheat from the whiny chaff who should just get some therapy and leave me alone?

This year, I am replacing the traditional interpersonal blanket atonement request with the following flowchart. Instead of approaching people ritualistically asking forgiveness for things I may not have done—or offenses I may have intended to cause—I am putting this form out in the world. I am sure following these instructions carefully will do the trick in getting you all the Wittes atonement to which you may be entitled:

1. Have I offended you in any way this year? If so, please proceed to (2). If not. please proceed to (14).

2. Are you a Russian diplomat or do you live or work in any Russian diplomatic facility anywhere in the world? If so, please proceed to (13). If not, proceed to (3).

3. Are you Donald J. Trump? If so, proceed to (13). If not, proceed to (4).

4. Are you Ric Grenell? If so, proceed to (12). If not, proceed to (5).

5. Did I offend you with something I wrote about Ukraine, the Middle East, U.S. policy toward any issue of public moment, or any matter related to the trials of Donald J. Trump? If so please proceed to (11).

6. Did I offend you by wearing a dog shirt? If so, please proceed to (13).

7. Are you a D.C. bus or truck driver, or a passenger or operator of any motor vehicle, bicycle, or scooter on which I accidentally shined a light or laser while conducting a #SpecialMilitaryOperation at the Russian embassy. If so, please proceed to (10). If not, please proceed to (8).

8. Did I offend you with my personal behavior toward you or toward some individual you care about? If so, please proceed to (9). If not, I’m confused. I didn’t offend you with something I wrote or something I did to you or someone else; I didn’t accidentally attack you with #LordLaser; and you’re not upset about dog shirts. What did I do? Please contact me directly for redress. Then proceed to (14).

9. Did you deserve it? If so, I’m sorry you’re so fragile. Please proceed to (14). If not, please proceed to (10).

10. I am horribly sorry. Please forgive me. Then proceed to (14)

11. Sorry, not sorry. I’m proud of my work this past year and repent nothing, though I’m sorry you were offended. Please proceed to (14).

12. Here is a footpic for you. Please proceed to (13).

13. I meant to offend you. I apologize for nothing and hope to have the occasion of offending you again in the near future. Please proceed to (14).

14. We’re done.

May you have a safe and easy fast if fasting is your thing.

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Two new episodes of #LawfareLive, one past and one upcoming.

Yesterday, we did this excellent discussion on Trump Trials & Tribulations, which includes a discussion with the estimable Jack Goldsmith about this oped of his, with which I almost completely disagree:

And coming up on October 15 at 11:00 am Eastern time is this election discussion of tech policy in our series, “National Security and the 2024 Election”:

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Speaking of upcoming events, a spree of new #DogShirtTV episodes are now on the calendar.

On Monday, October 14, at 5:00 pm, Jonathan Rauch will join me to contemplate the apocalypse:

On Tuesday, October 15, at 5:00 pm, Jordan Ellenberg will show up to plot future hurricanes with me:

On Thursday, October 17, at 6:00 pm Eastern, the estimable Dave Willner will join the show to talk me through why it’s so hard for Facebook to let me write an open letter to former Russian Ambassador Anatoly Antonov:

And on October 24 at 5:00 pm, the estimable Pete Strzok will join the show and finally don a dog shirt:

Access to the studio for all of these events is available below the paywall.

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Today’s #BeastOfTheDay is the hundred aggressive raccoons who showed up to demand food once a Washington state resident began distributing it. The New York Times reports:

For more than 35 years, a woman in Washington State would leave some food in her yard for about a dozen resident raccoons.

The key word in that sentence is “dozen.”

Six weeks ago, the number of raccoons began to increase. “Somehow the word got out in raccoon land, and they all showed up to her house expecting a meal,” Kevin McCarty, a spokesman for the Kitsap County Sheriff’s Office, told NBC 9 news.

Wait a minute, the sheriff’s department? How much did this escalate?

A lot. The newer raccoons began scratching around the woman’s house near Poulsbo, Wash., all night demanding food. “Anytime she comes out of her home, they swarm her until she throws them food,” the sheriff’s department said in a statement. “The normal raccoons that she feeds are nice, but the new ones showing up scare her.”

By last Thursday afternoon, the newly scary raccoons had grown to a horde of about 100, prompting the woman, whose name has not been released, to call 911. Her concern was increased by the newer arrivals’ greater aggression after years of dealing with a relatively docile, much smaller band.

Aggressive raccoons besieging an anonymous Washington State resident. Photo credit: Kitsap County Sheriff’s Department